I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
