Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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