Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
