pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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