Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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