can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
