The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
