Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You coming home soon, man?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste