if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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