hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
This is my gift to your gina
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
