How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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