How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
