Yo dont text me then not text me
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
