One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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