A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
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She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
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Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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