I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
