The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
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He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
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No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize