This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Duck Duck Cougar?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
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i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
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He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.