Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
