She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".