Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
