I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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