I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
