i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
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I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
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Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
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