just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
