Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
