I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
