I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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