She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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