If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.