its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
