I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i don't like sucking hair
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
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Four minutes until I can fart!
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
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Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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