seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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