Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
