Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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