I can text with my tongue
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
