It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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