I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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