Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
