Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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