is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
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Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You may now shotgun with the bride
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
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the night was just a blur of sex and pie
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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