one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
