The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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