i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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