I think I died a long time ago.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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