That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
