The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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