I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
