dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
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He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
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Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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