She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
