kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
