looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
