My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
