You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
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for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
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I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.