I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?